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28 May 2009 @ 09:27 pm
i think im ready, for peace and quiet. i think im ready, to just let go.
i think...its time to quit.
 
 
Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: none
 
 
08 May 2009 @ 06:53 pm
sex  
well, my boy, this is the guy i dated through highschool, the guy who was there for the very first hospital admission. hes stood beside my bed through many long nights in emerge. anyway, we got back together over a year ago. we have not had sex in that whole year and a bit. hes staying over tomorow night at my place, and im freaking out, because im so scared of sex now (probably because i dont get my period and i dont think i produce the right hormones). i know theres nothing wrong with sex, and i mean, its matt! its not like we havent fucked before. but its kind of like, i feel the same way about sex, as i do about eating, i dont want it in me !
 
 
Current Mood: scaredscared
 
 
07 May 2009 @ 05:04 pm
my grandmother and i made wine about 2 months ago, and i had completely forgotten about it.
until now. me, my apartment, and 30 bottles of wine!
wtf!! haha, see you all in 30 days 2 days od drinking and 28 of rehab afterward (jokes, all jokes) the ratio between food and alcohol in my apartment is absolutely ridiculous though !!
 
 
06 May 2009 @ 06:28 pm
new  
my life has taken an interesting turn.
my therapist suggested (told) myself and my parents during a family session, we were keeping each other sick, we all had roles we were bent on playing. mine being the sick daughter. she said you need to move. told my parents they needed me to move out. i stay sick with them, they keep me sick (by caring for me)
now i am moving into my own apartment. the big day (that everything will finally be set up, bed couches chairs and all) is on saturday. my first night in my new place!! very nervous. my cat yoda is staying with me for aq bit. however i cannot keep her, shes diabetic and needs injections every 12 hours, which would mean id have to be there every 12 hours 4am when i get up and then again at 4pm. so maybe in a couple months once im all settled, yoda has gone back home, ill get a kitten. yoda could come over for play dates!!
im worried about how ill do with eating. ive done some grocery shopping already. mostly i bought tons of ensure. i have a feeling ill need it to get me through the first little while,
this is all very fast, and unexpected.
dare i hope a littleÉ
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: djdropdead
 
 
15 April 2009 @ 10:14 pm
i wish, i would finally be thin enough.
because 5'9 and 101 lbs, should be, but its not, i am disgusted with my body...
im having a rough time right now....
 
 
 
01 April 2009 @ 08:41 pm
not sleeping...
i have bags under my eyes, i never get bags under my eyes. and i forget to sleep all the time, so why now, do i have bags!?!!?
therapy....very.....very....hard....but i am sticking with it.
i weighed in at the same as last week (doctors appt) but somehow got my doctor to write one pound gained. i didnt mean to i was only joking, hes so sweet, he thinks im doing so well...oh, but i am struggling...
the weight i need to gain seems impossible, when just maintaing this current state is torture, i feel like everything is crashing around me. i cant get well, but i cant stay sick, so i stay stuck. fucked
either well,
or die
how long can stay here for, stuck, inbetween?

 
 
20 March 2009 @ 09:45 am
every time i feel a sense of accomplisment, i dismiss it, i feel like i am betraying myself by feeling accomplished.
i am not.
that feeling goes against my anorexia, which pushes me to accomplish this thing, thin, but anorexia also prevents me from ever reaching that place. it pushes me to strive for thin yet never lets me get there.
it also prevents me from feeling good about everything else i do.
nothing is ever enough.
i am knitting a rasta hat for my sister, it is beautiful, i look at it, and i see so many faults, it's like i'm body checking a fucking hat.
when will it be enough?
never.
moving on is proving to be very difficult, as i find myself eating more, forcinbg myself to dull the thoughts, i notice how the same way of thinking is invading the other aspects of my life.
this shit is making me more crazy than i can deal with.

 
 
Current Location: room
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: one - three dog night
 
 
16 March 2009 @ 03:47 pm
well, an interesting session. apart from discussion around feeding tubes, we talked about the rules, anorexia's rules. it was kind of a funny conversation, because i realized most of the rules, aren't even my rules, it's just shit i've picked up in treatment centers. she asked me what would happen if i stopped? my answer, nothing, it would probably be the easiest thing in the world. because they aren't my rules. my rules would be way more creative than that, eating food in order, cutting it up certain ways etc.
so i'm going to stop. no point in having a textbook eating disorder and my eating disorder.
and as far as feeding tubes go, well, i guess if it keeps me alive, i mean, i can always rip it out if it's that bad. and it's not like i don't know how to loose weight incase the world does end when i gain a couple pounds right?

 
 
Current Location: bedroom
Current Music: petit project
 
 
16 March 2009 @ 09:24 am
monday morning, im glad the weekends over. to uneventful. not back at work yet, so basically all i do is go to therapy and my doctors appointments. so on the weekends its just a lot of free time, since i get all my chores done during the week.
looking at my calander i have therapy today, and get weighed tomorrow, not the other way around, that will be a nice change, we'll see how that works, not having therapy right after weigh in, having it before instead.
interesting,..
 
 
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: reggie and the full effect
 
 
15 March 2009 @ 01:47 am
my cousin and i went and saw a movie tonight. it was really nice. i kind of felt normal!
i had to use the washroom halfway through, there was another girl there and while i was washing my hands i noticed she was blatantly staring at me, it kind of freaked me out. i didn't have anything on my face, i checked. my arms weren't showing, so it wasn't my horrendous collection of scars, my tattoos were all covered. it's gotten me so freaked out, the way she was looking at me, i told her to stop staring and stormed out (i was probably a little to harsh, defensive). is there something wrong with me?????
apart from that strangeness, i really enjoyed the movie, i had a coupon for two free admission, two free drink and one popcorn, i didn't have any popcorn, and i'm glad my cousin didn't push me. for the drink i was really brave and had peach juice, movie theater style, half water, half juice, and ice. probably why i had to pee halfway into the movie. next time ill have some popcorn too. and if anyone stars at me like that next time, ill ask if theyd like an autograph, and if not, mind their own business.
 
 
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: lakeside retreat [solitudes]